Chuck
Palahniuk’s latest novel, Beautiful You, brings to life a
fear that has plagued mankind ever since women learned to refer to
“back-massagers” with heavy air quotes: that men will be rendered obsolete by
vibrators.
In this
fictional world of Palahniuk’s imagining, a new line of exceptionally effective
sex toys are released. The brand’s tagline? “A billion husbands are about to be
replaced.” And, oh, are they ever! Women line up around the block to get their
hands on this groundbreaking pleasure product. They start dishing out insults
like, “This hunk of plastic is more of a man than you’ll ever be!” and
“Anything a man can do to me, I can do better!” Dejected husbands begin
papering the streets with “missing” flyers featuring their wives who have
absconded with their new lover-toys.
It’s
enough to make a penis shake in his briefs. But I’m here to tell peckers
everywhere: Fear not, you’ll never be replaced (nor will the men attached to
them).
Here’s why:
1. Orgasms Aren’t Everything
Sure, a
vibrator can offer toe-curling ecstasy, but that’s it. It can’t flirt with you.
It won’t make eyes at you from across the bar. You can forget about
erotically-charged repartee or scintillating cocktail conversation with a
dildo. There will be no feverish make-up sex, because there will be no
arguments (although there might be yelling when the batteries run out). A hunk
of plastic can’t softly kiss you on your neck or endearingly fumble with the
buttons on your blouse. It won’t talk dirty (it only gets dirty, and it never
ever cleans itself). And it certainly won’t be any good at post-coital
cuddling. Orgasms are nice and all, but it’s all that other stuff that makes
sex sex.
2. Have You Seen a Penis Lately?
Judging
from the fact that you’re bothering to read this, you’re probably a
heterosexual dude, and as a heterosexual dude living in a puritanical,
homophobic society you’re probably like, “ew, penises, gross.” Well, allow me
to offer a female perspective: They are gorgeous. Miraculous. Divine. That is
what any straight woman who has gotten over her own sexual hang-ups will tell
you. I don’t care how many world-class industrial designers you throw at the
project of engineering a sleek new sex toy—no vibrator is going to match the
aesthetic beauty of an actual dick. Fact.
3. Have You Ever Heard Someone Suggest That Fleshlights Will
Replace Women?
I’m
guessing the answer is “hell no.” Why would it be any different with vibrators
and men?
4. Vibrators Just Aren’t That Good
As a sex
writer, I’m sent fancy new sex toys all the time. This used to be a major perk
of the job. Now I realize how much alike they all are. They have nothing of the
variety of real, live men—not in terms of looks or moves. Most of mine have
ended up as landfill—the vibrators, not the men.
5. Sex Toys Are Your Friends
A fear of
vibrators was maybe understandable back when women were expected to orgasm from
penetration alone. But these days, we all recognize that most women need some
manual assistance too, right? That isn’t an insult to your carnal abilities;
it’s just basic biology. So instead of thinking of vibes as a replacement for
men, think of them as a tool for better-partnered sex. I’ve seen particularly
enlightened men even boast of their Hitachi-wielding skills. There’s nothing
manlier than a guy who isn’t threatened by a fake phallus.
6. It’s Hardness Doesn’t Even Mean Anything
A hard
dick tells us that we’re turning you on—and that turns us on. We like to know
how our naked bodies and carefully executed gyrations are being received, and a
boner is your penis’s version of a round of applause. There’s nothing like some
positive reinforcement to get us to relax and get into the mood. And guess
what? A vibrator is always hard. Who needs that kind of false praise!
7. Men Can Learn What You Like
Guys—well,
some of them anyway—know how to respond to women’s writhing and moans. They can
read which facial contortions mean “don’t stop” and which mean “try something
different.” Even better, they tend to remember what works and what doesn’t for
next time.
